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Why couples fight constantly – and how to solve it

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Jane rolled her eyes; John took a deep sigh – then both of them stepped away from each other, frustrated. Their relationship felt more like work than fun. It wasn't always huge, but it was frequent. Every day, they seem to have a new issue to discuss. Perhaps, it starts from a small miscommunication, or an ongoing disagreement that slips into their daily interactions.

After a while, they started to wonder if this is normal–better, is going to end.

This is common. In a relationship, there would be frictions and disagreements. For some couples, relationship is more like the perfect place for insecurities and egos to collide. Instead of falling into a concept that this relationship might not be right, it would be wiser to carefully reevaluate the relationship with these three problem-solution scenarios that might help untangle the thread.

Scenario 1:

One person is harboring problems. Unable to convey what is really felt, then picking at little things seems like the only way to express the inexpressible.


Take a step back, and look at the bigger picture. Starting from reevaluating the root of the problems, then reflecting carefully: what is really bothering me? That scattered clothes on the floor were surely irritating, but what is the bigger issue? Is it the feeling of disrespected? Or unloved? Or perhaps, is it something from years ago that still buried yet unresolved?

Reflecting and evaluating with objective eyes would actually help to release the weight of the big underlying issue – communicating them carefully would let go of the annoyance that seem to tie on the small things.

Scenario 2:

One person is having an idealized image of relationship. Unable to fit within that vision, then the little, continuous conflicts occur.


While it may come as a news-flash, but one thing should be kept in mind: no relationship is perfect; and thus, no partner is perfect as well. Reflecting the question back to self: How perfect are we in becoming a partner? Do we fit their criteria of the perfect partner?

It doesn't mean that allowing people to treat us poorly, but more like recognizing the effort of the other person – that they are being human and doing the best they possibly can.

Scenario 3:

One person is dealing with stresses unrelated to the relationship. Without a clear mind, the easiest way out is to vent on the closest person.


Again, it is wise to take a step back and see the whole picture. 'Why do I feel easily irritated? What is the pressure that I should take off from the relationship because it is unrelated?' It probably comes from the need to take some space and treat ourselves a little better. It may come from feeling drained because of work. Or maybe, it comes from the pressure of extended family.

Addressing the real source of the issue might create the boundary between the real problem and the relationship – and might actually save both. This way, it means to prioritize the needs for you and your circumstances.

These are the three common reasons for constant dispute in a relationship. Of course, there are several issues that need to be communicated separately, because they are not really 'small issues'. But by carefully considering these three factors, the relationship might be nourished better – and therefore, when it comes to the real battle, both persons are well prepared, and not drained from facing little, continuous conflicts.

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