Arguments and fights are something you cannot avoid as a couple in a relationship, especially the long-term ones like marriage. We bicker with our spouse because we are two individuals with different ways of thinking and perspective, so sometimes our opinion clashed with one another's. Though it might seem like a bad thing to have as a couple, you can learn more about him and communicate better with your spouse after having these disputes. Just make sure you're fighting fairly, effectively and with the purpose to find common ideas or solutions, rather than to vent your anger and emotions out to each other. Follow these steps below:
1. Stop playing the blame game
First of all, you have to stop blaming each other for the mistakes and troubles that come your way. It will only sabotage your relationship, make your spouse fell attacked and lead him to be defensive. Once the blame game starts going between the two of you and spiralling out of control, it will be even harder to find out who did what or who's at fault. The fact is, there is never a winner in these kinds of arguments. So, focus on what your spouse did right instead, remember that even though he has some flaws, he also possesses some great qualities that make you love him in the first place.
2. Make requests instead of complaints
Change your tone from "why is there no one helping me around the house?" into "can you please help me with the dishes while I fold the laundry?". That way your spouse can know exactly what you want and need. Don't expect him to be able to read your mind, and don't fill your arguments with endless complaints without stating clearly and honestly what you actually want from him.
3. Listen to each other
During a heated fight, you might feel the urge to vent out. But remember to take turns in talking, give him time to express his feelings, and really listen to each other's clarification. It's difficult to hear your partner out when you're loudly trying to prove your point, so don't interrupt and overlap each other's sentences, take down those defenses and grant equal time to be all ears. By doing this, you can get so much more out of your spouse rather than simply yell at each other, you can figure out exactly what he means, and he can also see the reasons behind your actions.
4. Don't run away
The sign of a healthy relationship is where the couple actually communicates about their concerns and issues. So, when it's time to discuss things down, do it and don't walk away before the two of you reach an agreement or find the solution. It will help you resolve the problem quickly, without giving it unnecessary spare time to sweep it under the rug and pretend it's not a problem. Remember that this clash will only be a temporary thing that soon will pass, but only if you efficiently handle it together.
5. Know how and when to cool down
You can't think logically and effectively when you're tired, highly emotional, or under immense pressure. So, don't keep on pushing each other when one of you is exhausted or no longer able to handle the strain. Even in the middle of a fight, you have to look after each other! Take a deep breath, reorganize your thoughts, and let things cool down for a second, this off period can also save you from saying things you don't mean out of anguish and frustration and make the fight more focused to one thing rather than spreading to more unnecessary areas.
6. Don't be rude or abusive
However bad the situation is, always be loving and compassionate towards each other. Refrain from acting abusive to your partner, both physically and mentally, don't be overly rude or insulting. What comes out from your mouth may only be blurted out of anger, but you can't take it back once you've said it and it might deeply hurt your spouse's feeling in the long-term.
7. Learn from past arguments
If this is not your first fight, then remember what goes wrong and what goes right in the previous cases you've had with him. If you know that he's sensitive and vulnerable when talking about his family, then try your best to walk around it and don't use this weakness to hurt him personally. If you see that he's the kind of person who goes quiet during a fight and needs some alone time before resolving the problem, then you should give him the time he needs. Make these fights as a way to get to know each other a little better along the way. Find out the right methods to deal with him and your next arguments in the future will be fewer and shorter.
8. Remember that you're a team
At the end of the day, remember that you're on the same team in this marriage and not two rivalling sides. So don't fight to be a winner and make him the loser, or to prove you're right and he's always wrong. To fight effectively, you have to be ready to negotiate and compromise to find a mutual agreement and solution that can make your marriage better and grow maturely.